


Five Things

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Harry Potter References, Humor, Lightsabers, M/M, Multi, Nail Polish, Parental favoritism, Polyglot, Unrequited Love, characters are shippers, giant sleepovers, heather has two mommies, internally consistant, ironic phobias, noodle implements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 09:09:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1773613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five headcanons per character. Some sad, some silly; some romance-based, most not. Canon compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Five Things (Traduction française)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461228) by [Soso_et_Candouille](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soso_et_Candouille/pseuds/Soso_et_Candouille)



Five Things: Tolkien's Legendarium

 

Frodo:

1\. He does not fear death. He does fear dying alone.

2\. Sam is in love with Rosie. Frodo is in love with Sam.

3\. His parents drowned when he was a child; that's why he lives with Bilbo. When Sam was drowning, all he could think about was the moment he'd been told.

4\. His first language was Westron. On Middle Earth he spoke a bit of Sindarin as well, but not much. In Valinor, he speaks Westron, Sindarin, Quenya, and two dialects of Silvan.

5\. To date he has never forgotten the Elvish word for friend.

Aragorn:

1\. He considers Arathorn and Elrond to both be his parents. He referred to them as Father and Ada as a child.

2\. Legolas and the twins are the only ones who are allowed to call him Estel.

3\. Even as a King, in his own city, he keeps a sword on him at all times. He feels uncomfortably bare without one.

4\. His last words were "I love you," said to Arwen.

5\. He always knows exactly what time it is, even when there are no clocks in sight.

Sam:

1\. Ever since the War of the Ring, his favorite food is stewed rabbits with potatoes.

2\. After the Quest, he learned Sindarin.

3\. He and Bilbo have always been good friends.

4\. Rosie is terrified of spiders. Sam thinks this is quite funny.

5\. He has no idea the Frodo is in love with him. If he found out, he wouldn't treat his friend any differently than he does now.

Legolas:

1\. He is one of the first non-dwarves, and the first elf, ever to learn Khuzdul.

2\. Everybody thinks his favorite color would be green, but it's not. It's yellow, because even in the darkest times the sun still rises and he can't let himself forget that.

3\. He is head-over-heels for Aragorn. He's hoping it's an adolescent crush, but they've known each other for several centuries and it shows no signs of going away.

4\. Elladan and Elrohir actually aren't close to him. They are Noldor, he is a Sinda, and they are very snobby about it. Arwen, however, is one of his best friends.

5\. He once stole Arwen's nail polish and painted his fingernails dark red. When Arwen saw it the next day she said that it wasn't a bad job, and now they have a weekly ritual. Aragorn thinks it's hilarious.

Merry:

1\. By blood, he has no siblings. By bond, he has an older brother named Boromir, an older sister named Eowyn, and a younger brother named Pippin.

2\. He went on the Quest to protect Pippin.

3\. Eowyn and Eomer taught him Rohirric.

4\. When he was a kid he would dress up as a girl. He could fool almost anybody in the Shire, his parents included.

5\. He's the only one who's allowed to call Pippin "Pip".

Gimli:

1\. He will never forget the look on Thranduil's face when Legolas introduced him as "Gimli, my heart-brother".

2\. He speaks fluent Sindarin, though his accent is terrible.

3\. He hides knives in his beard.

4\. In Fangorn Forest, Legolas finally explained to him the significance of Galadriel's gift. He treasured it already, but now he does so even more.

5\. Dwalin taught him how to use his axe.

Boromir:

1\. He's extremely good at drawing people, but terrible at drawing anything else.

2\. He can't quite suppress the way his veins feel oddly fizzy whenever he's around Aragorn.

3\. At least he isn't alone in whatever he has for Aragorn. He and Legolas made a club.

4\. When Galadriel looked into his mind, she saw how much he wanted the Ring.  
But she also saw that it didn't come from a desire for power, but a desire to protect his people and especially his brother.

5\. He'd never thought that he would enjoy the company of an Elf. But after a few hours of commiserating, he and Legolas formed a close friendship. Now he can't imagine not enjoying Legolas's company.

Pippin:

1\. By blood he is an only child. By bond he has three older brothers named Boromir, Faramir, and Merry.

2\. Just because he had no common sense at the beginning of the quest doesn't mean he was stupid. He was smart.  
He was just the kind of smart that manifests itself in extreme creativity and so looks incredibly stupid.

3\. Using nothing more than a shallow duck pond, a bottle of purple dye, a large toad, and a Gondorian soldier's uniform, he managed to make Elladan scream like a little girl. Nobody is quite sure what he did. Nobody really wants to be.

4\. The non-Hobbit portion of the Fellowship didn't know until after the Quest that he wasn't of age yet. Apparently Aragorn would never have let him join if he'd known, but Legolas thought that whatever his age he'd more than earned his membership.

5\. It was his suggestion that the living members of the Fellowship meet up every year. They say it's for diplomatic purposes, but really it's more like a giant sleepover.

Gandalf:

1\. He's spoken to all of the Valar face-to-face except for Ulmo.

2\. Saruman was assigned white because he was the head of their order. Alatar and Pallando chose blue because that was their favorite. Radagast chose brown for camoflauge. Gandalf chose chose grey for alliteration.

3\. He, Elrond, and Galadriel have about as many inside jokes and catchphrases as the average group of modern teenagers. Celeborn laughs at a few of the jokes but doesn't get most of them, and Saruman just thinks they're all immature.

4\. He wishes he could've done something to stop Bilbo's aging. Right before he sailed to Valinor he couldn't even remember Frodo's name, and it was painful to talk to him.

5\. He went to the first Fellowship Sleepover, even though none of the others had expected him to.

Eowyn:

1\. Merry taught her how to make hot chocolate. It's her favorite food.

2\. She still has nightmares about Gríma.

3\. Though she has never seen them, she would love Mulan and Pocahontas if she had.

4\. Faramir's nickname for her is Sparrowhawk.

5\. In her free time she sits on the walls of Mina's Tirith and pretends that she's the only person for miles around.

Faramir:

1\. His older brother is his personal hero, and knowing Boromir's reaction to the Ring didn't change that at all.

2\. He and Pippin have kept in touch.

3\. Though he wishes Denthor hadn't said it so bluntly, he agrees: it would be better if he had died and Boromir had lived.  
He is not suicidal. But if he could die in his brother's place he would.

4\. His favorite book is Beowulf.

5\. He's curious as to how much of his personality is his own nature and how much is Denethor's nurture.

Arwen:

1\. Normally the visions she gets from her gift of foresight only last for a few moments, but she saw the entire movie of The Princess Bride in a vision once.

2\. If shipping was a thing in Middle Earth, she would ship Legolas/Faramir. She already does ship Legolas/Faramir, but she doesn't call it shipping.

3\. When Celebrían sailed, Elladan sobbed and Elrohir wept quietly and Elrond cried too, when he thought nobody could hear.  
Arwen didn't cry. She has never cried in her life. She doesn't think she can.

4\. She is one of three people who can tell Elladan and Elrohir apart. The others are Galadriel, who just reads their minds, and Elrond, who has played the "He's not Elros, I'm Elros" game too many times to be fooled by it.

5\. She made her choice. Nearly every day she wonders if it was the right one.  
And then Aragorn hugs her from behind, and it's warm and soft and so very perfect, and of course she made the right choice because how could this ever be wrong?

Bilbo:

1\. When he's pissed off he knits.

2\. He hadn't been interested in any of the Shire's hobbit lasses, or for that matter hobbit lads. He'd accepted that he'd probably never find a love when thirteen dwarves and a wizard barged into his house.  
Thorin was the one who proved him wrong.

3\. The first time he met Smaug, Bilbo had the inexplicable urge to hug him.

4\. Thranduil and Elrond conspired to teach him Sindarin.

5\. When he finally died of old age in Valinor, he went to the Halls of Aulë. He and Thorin are together now, even if they never could be in life.

Thorin:

1\. It wasn't about the Arkenstone, it wasn't about the throne, it wasn't about gold. It was about a homeland.

2\. Sting is quite possibly the cutest sword he's ever seen.

3\. His greatest fear is succumbing to the gold-sickness like Thror.

4\. His favorite color has always been a very specific shade of green. He didnt know why, until he met Bilbo and realized that it was the exact color of the Hobbit's eyes.

5\. The last thing he did before dying was kiss Bilbo.

Fili:

1\. He keeps at least 38 knives on his person at all times, even when he's sleeping.

2\. Kili has always been Thorin's favorite. Fili has always known this. It has never stopped hurting. It never will.  
He doesn't resent Kili for it. He just wishes he could prove himself to Thorin.

3\. He's never fallen in love. He doesn't particularly want to.

4\. He has no respect for furniture. If something is between him and the door, he climbs over it.

5\. His main goal in life is simple: Protect my little brother. When he was dying in the Battle of Five Armies, his last thought was, at least Kili is safe.  
Three minutes after he died, Kili fell beside him.

Kili:

1\. He idolizes his big brother.

2\. He's been made fun of for using a bow and arrows; they're seen as an Elven weapon. As soon as Fili found out about this, it miraculously stopped.

3\. He doesn't know why he has no beard. Neither does anybody else.

4\. His tomb is next to Fili's and Thorin's. Bilbo planted flowers over all three graves.

5\. Fili and Kili found the afterlife together. Thorin arrived three days later: he'd gotten lost.

Beorn:

1\. He speaks 27 languages. Only 3 are used by other humanoids.

2\. He has always been more comfortable when alone.

3\. When he sleeps, he sleeps in bear form.

4\. The cold has never bothered him.

5\. His human form feels very slightly itchy.

Bard:

1\. If he had a Patronus, it would be a great eagle.

2\. Contrary to his parents' expectations, he cannot sing.  
Well, no, that's not true. He can sing; it's just that he sounds like a dying cat.

3\. He thinks in images, not words.

4\. His wife died in Smaug's attack.

5\. He has a son and two daughters. He loves them more than life itself.

Smaug:

1\. He is one of only four remaining dragons.

2\. As a hatchling he killed his own parents.

3\. Treasure is the only thing he has ever cared for.

4\. He's immune to any and all poison.

5\. He does not fear death. He thinks himself above it.

Thranduil:

1\. The word synesthesia hasn't been invented yet, but it's what he has: tastes and sounds come packaged with colors in his mind. Strawberries taste bright yellow, and Elrond's voice is pale greenish-silver.

2\. There was much respect between him and Oropher, but very little love or affection; they were king and prince, not father and son. When Legolas was born Thranduil strove to give his son the family that he himself never got.

3\. He loved his wife, but he wasn't in love with her. He mourned when she was killed by the spiders, but life moved on and so did he.

4\. When he returned to Mirkwood after the Battle of Five Armies, Elrond was there and waiting for him.  
"I rode as fast as I could," Elrond said hurriedly. "Are you hurt?"  
"Scrapes and bruises," he answered. "I'll heal."  
Ten minutes later found them curled up together, sound asleep in Thranduil's bed.

5\. He stayed in Middle-Earth for a century and a half after Legolas sailed. He hadn't intended to go to Valinor at all.  
But after those 150 years the loneliness got to him. He missed Legolas, he missed Elrond. So he found one last ship and someone to teach him to sail, and he made the journey west.

Varda:

1\. When she needs a human name she uses Stella.

2\. She occasionally takes a human form and sits in on college astrophysics courses. None of the professors have caught on so far.  
She talked to one of the students. Apparently this is a thing that even normal students do, and it's called Waldoing.

3\. She doesn't think of it as looking up at the sky. She thinks of it as looking down into an endless abyss, with nothing but gravity keeping her on the surface of the Earth.

4\. Her and Manwe's first date was on a flying carpet.

5\. She loves the Aladdin movie, mostly due to item 4.

Yavanna:

1\. She's the only one who's either brave enough or crazy enough to call Ulmo "Starfish".

2\. She identifies fully as female, but cross-dresses because it's fun.

3\. Her favorite book is The Wizard of Earthsea.

4\. She never wears shoes. She thinks they're too constricting. This is because she was forced to wear shoes as a child that were several sizes too small.

5\. She helps Aulë in his forge. When he's gone for whatever reason, she can usually do some work on whatever it is he's in the middle of.

Ulmo:

1\. He's fine with Yavanna calling him Starfish, though he'd never admit it.

2\. The reason he's the most up to date with pop culture of the Valar is because he lives in Arda.

3\. He works in the marine biology lab at the Monterey Bay Aquarium in Northern California.

4\. If he entered surfing competitions he would win. He doesn't enter them because he thinks it's cheating.

5\. He wears shoes, but not dress shoes. Even when he has a tuxedo on, his shoes will be Converse.  
New black Converse. But still.

Namo:

1\. He's fond of telling newcomers to Mandos that "to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." Vaire teases him mercilessly for it.

2\. He only cries for the deaths of children.

3\. The form he usually takes looks like a Drow Elf. They don't exist in Middle Earth, or anywhere else, but a few more recent deaths played a game called D and D.

4\. His favorite author is Terry Pratchett.

5\. He was assigned to bring back the Elves who never sailed, by killing them. Celeborn kicked and screamed (not literally, but almost), and Haldir followed him but argued every step of the way.  
Maglor saw death as a release and went to the Halls of Waiting gratefully.

Feanor:

1\. Of his seven sons Curufin is his favorite. He's not shy about admitting it.

2\. He accidentally invented a lightsaber. He keeps it but has has never used it.

3\. He does not fear death or darkness. All he has ever feared is failure.

4\. As a child he always admired those who could create beautiful things.

5\. In all his years of working with fire, he's never once been burned.

Maglor:

1\. Throughout his childhood he honed his craft of singing, the harp, the flute, the violin, always vying for Fenor's love. It never worked.

2\. He has no children. Until he met Elrond and Elros he never wanted any.

3\. His proudest moment is the first time Elrond called him Ada.

4\. He works as a high school English teacher and gives music lessons on the side. One of his students, a gifted writer, is a descendant of Aragorn and Arwen.

5\. He taught Thranduil how to sail.

Celegorm:

1\. He is the only one of Feanor's sons who never tried to win their father's affection. This is why he is is the only one who holds no resentment towards Curufin, the only one who ever succeeded.

2\. At heart he's always been a wanderer.

3\. Sometimes he thinks animals are the only friends worth having.

4\. Three of his brothers have red hair. The other three have black. He's the only blonde.

5\. He never used a pillow as a child. Whatever animal he had most recently adopted served instead.

Caranthir:

1\. He's the only one who can tell Amrod and Amras apart.

2\. They call him Caranthir the Dark. It isn't just a name; he is the only dark-skinned Elf he has ever met.

3\. After his death he wandered Arda as a ghost. He has met the Peredhel that Maglor so loved, he has walked with the Ringbearer, he has seen dragons and Ents. Currently he stays with the reborn Maedhros.

4\. He was born mute.

5\. His favorite memory is from when he was a child, with Maedhros brushing his hair, Maglor's singing in the background, and Celegorm's head in his lap. He doesn't clearly remember the details but he remembers feeling safe and warm and loved.

Galadriel:

1\. When she's bored she phrases her conversations to be in iambic pentameter. It takes thought, but she's gotten good at it.

2\. Contrary to the Dwarves' nickname for her, she is a Muggle, not a witch. As such she does not have an Animagus.  
But if she did it would be a snowy owl.

3\. As a child she idolized her oldest brother Finrod.

4\. She and Celeborn are fluent in sign language. She's capable of having three different conversations at once - normal speech, mindspeak, and signing - and actually concentrating on all of them.

5\. Everybody seems to assume that she has prophetic dreams. She doesn't, and she doesn't know why everybody thinks she does.

Gil-Galad:

1\. He hates being called Gil-Galad. He'd much rather be Ereinion.

2\. When he needs to calm down he recites squares in his head. He can go up to 55 x 55 = 3025 without even thinking about it.

3\. For most of his life he thought he wasn't ever going to fall in love. There were people of both sexes whose company he enjoyed, but the spark wasn't there.  
Then he met a young healer-scribe named Elrond Peredhel, and all of that changed.

4\. The first thing he ever said to Elrond was, "Hello. Is there any particular reason that you're hiding under a desk?"  
The last thing he ever said to Elrond was, "I love you. Whatever happens in the battle, I love you."

5\. He was reborn in Valinor and waiting for Elrond when his young lover eventually arrived. When Thranduil sailed 350 years later Ereinion was surprised to say the least, but he accepted Thranduil into his life.  
Whenever people are surprised that they are both alright with their relationships to Elrond, their response is: "We believe in sharing. Perhaps you missed that lesson as an elfling?" A few of the responses they've gotten have entertained the three of them for centuries afterwards.

Glorfindel:

1\. He has nightmares about his first death.

2\. When he showed up at the door of Imladris, he expected to be thrown out.  
But he wasn't. Instead he was invited in. Welcomed. Shown the ropes.  
He will never stop being grateful to Lord Elrond.

3\. Erestor, Elrond's Chief Councilor, is cool, aloof, and impersonal. This is how he is. This is how he has always been.  
But around Glorfindel, as with very few others, the walls of ice melt.

4\. The only one allowed to call him Glory is Erestor.

5\. He raised Arwen and the twins almost as much as Elrond and Celebrían did. He loves them all, but is closest to Elladan.

Elrond:

1\. He can't draw to save his life, but his paintings are beautiful.

2\. Thranduil started as a shoulder to cry on after Celebrían sailed. They quickly became friends, and from there it didn't take long for them to fall in love.

3\. After Ereinion's death he vowed to never go into battle again. He hasn't broken the vow.

4\. He calls himself Elrond Peredhel, sidestepping the issue of his father's identity. If pressed, though he will admit that he is Elrond Maglorion, rather than Elrond Earandilion, at heart.

5\. The colors of Imladris are blue and silver. Blue for Vilya, and silver because he likes it.

Elros:

1\. He loved his brother, really he did. But he always wanted to be a separate person rather than half of a whole.

2\. He's the younger of the twins. Just as Elladan is quiet and serious like Elrond, Elrohir is fiery and sharp-tongued like him.

3\. When he finally died it wasn't in battle. He lived to 496 and died peacefully in his sleep.

4\. In the mortal afterlife he met his niece and nephews. Arwen and Elladan remind him of Vardamir and Miraer, his son and daughter.

5\. When they were children the only way to tell the twins apart was that Elrond wore grey and Elros wore red.

Celebrían:

1\. She has always loved books. While she pretends to enjoy historical accounts and fancy poetry, what she truly prefers are fast-paced adventures.

2\. Mix three parts dry wit, one part wordplay, and two parts deadpan delivery, and you get Celebrían's sense of humor. Serves one.

3\. She's the one who got Glorfindel and Erestor together.

4\. After the Orcs, Elrond was the one who took care of her. Elrond healed her wounds, caught her when she fell, and made sure she had everything she needed.  
But Erestor was the one who tested her. Erestor convinced her that it's not that hard, you can do it, made her take her own steps, rekindled her faith in herself.

5\. Her best friend rekindled her faith in herself, but it was impossible to rekindle her faith in others. So she sailed west, for healing.  
When Elrond arrived in Valinor she loved him. She'd missed him. But it was the love she held for a friend, not for a husband. She doesn't think she'll ever feel that kind of love again.


End file.
